The Yoga of No
Why Setting Boundaries Is the Most Spiritual Thing You Can Do
The air in the retreat hall was thick with the scent of incense and unspoken tensions. My patience had officially left the building. Three days in, someone was in my favorite spot, and I was done.
"Can you move your stuff?" My voice came out sharper than I intended, but I didn’t care.
The guy looked up, startled, and hurriedly shuffled his things away. I exhaled loudly, irritation still simmering under my skin.
I didn’t yet realize: this wasn’t about him. The truth was, I didn’t want to be here at all. I thought back to the moment I got the email asking me to assist the event. There'd been a low, nagging tug in my stomach when I compared the retreat dates to my calendar. And what did I do? I ignored it.
A voice inside my head: This is a great opportunity. And it’s in service to others. You’d be crazy to say no. What would they think if you turned it down?
And just like that, I found myself RSVPing yes before I even had a chance to consider whether I was full, enthusiastic yes. Years of yoga, mindfulness, self-awareness—and yet, when I received an invitation, I could still default to this well-worn pattern of wanting to be agreeable.
But now, exhaustion clawed at my body, my joints ached. Then I felt it, resentment creeping in—the telltale sign of a crossed boundary.
As I sat there stewing, something clicked. It wasn’t about the guy and his stuff—it was about the pattern. The quiet, relentless conditioning that had me putting others' comfort before my own, swallowing my irritation, convincing myself my needs were secondary.
This wasn’t just about me being overcommitted. It was about the way so many of us, especially in yoga and wellness circles, have been conditioned to prioritize being agreeable over being real.
The Problem With Niceness
Western yoga culture, for all its wisdom, has a niceness problem.
"Positive vibes only!" We slap it on tank tops, post it as Instagram captions, and wield it—sometimes unknowingly—as a way to shut down discomfort. The hidden message? Dense emotions are unwelcome. Negativity is contagious.
On the surface, this emphasis on positivity seems like a wholesome community value: Yogis are nice! But niceness isn’t kindness. Niceness is about optics; kindness is about truth. Niceness avoids discomfort; kindness embraces it. Niceness says yes to be liked; kindness says no to be real.
Niceness is a performance—a strategy for maintaining social harmony. And it’s often rewarded, especially for women, caretakers, and anyone who’s ever felt like they had to earn their place at the table. But the unspoken cost is high: niceness conditions us to believe that acceptance is conditional, dependent on our ability to please, to perform, to suppress the parts of ourselves that might disrupt the status quo.
This culture of niceness and positive vibes makes it harder to practice clear boundaries. If we’re taught that saying no is negative, then setting a boundary can feel like a betrayal of the very values we hold dear. And so, we justify overriding our limits. “You’d be crazy to turn that down,” we tell ourselves. Or, “I don't want to be selfish.”
This is why boundaries are a dangerous idea in yoga spaces. Not because they are harmful—but because they disrupt the illusion of harmony. They expose the ways we’ve traded truth for approval, authenticity for acceptance. And yet, real connection, real liberation, doesn’t come from being nice. It comes from being real.
Despite what we’ve been conditioned to believe, the body knows. Even when the mind tries to rationalize, the body sends signals—the tightness in the chest, the warmth in the belly, the subtle clenching of the jaw. These sensations aren’t random; they’re wisdom speaking.
So what if, instead of silencing that inner knowing, we learned to trust it?
When the Body Speaks, Do You Listen?
Some tantric lineages and somatic-based practices I’ve learned see the body as a compass. A source of deep knowing. A truth-teller that speaks in a language older than words. Tightness. Expansion. Heaviness. Lightness. These aren’t coincidences. They’re data. Messages. Our yes and no in physical form.
I think back to the moment my stomach twisted into knots while I was agreeing to assist the retreat. It had been easy for my mind to push it away and ignore it. While mindfulness teaches us to observe sensations without attachment, this has sometimes been misapplied to mean that all bodily signals are distractions—when in reality, they are intelligence speaking. What if sensation isn’t noise? What if it's wisdom?
It turns out, my body knew before I did. The question isn’t whether the body speaks. It’s whether we’re willing to listen.
So how do we stop abandoning ourselves in the name of niceness?
That’s why I created PAUSE and BRIDGE as a framework to understand the internal and external process of setting boundaries.
P.A.U.S.E. – The Internal Work of Boundaries
Boundaries don’t begin with words; they begin with awareness. Before we can communicate our limits to others, we have to recognize them within ourselves.
P.A.U.S.E. is the internal process of boundary-setting. It’s about tuning into your body’s signals, understanding your emotional response, and deciding what you truly need before taking any action.
You’re at work, already swamped with tasks, when a colleague emails asking if you can take on just one more project. You feel the impulse to say yes immediately—to be helpful, to be seen as a team player.
But then something happens.
A tightening in your chest. A weight in your stomach. Your jaw clenches slightly.
This isn’t just stress. It’s information. Your body is telling you that this is too much.
📌 P.A.U.S.E. in Action:
🔹 Pay Attention – “I don’t want to react on autopilot let me check in on my body.”
🔹 Acknowledge the Sensation – “I feel tightness in my chest and a heaviness in my belly.”
🔹 Understand What The Sensations Are Saying – “It seems like these sensations are telling me that this request is pushing me beyond capacity.”
🔹 Set Your Intention – “I need to say no to this request, it’s clear I cant take anything else on”
🔹 Exit the Pattern – “Wow! I know the old me would have said yes under pressure. This feels really different.”
B.R.I.D.G.E. – The External Work of Boundaries
Once we know our boundaries, the next challenge is communicating them. This is where B.R.I.D.G.E. comes in. If P.A.U.S.E. is the internal work, B.R.I.D.G.E. is the external work—how we express our limits with clarity and compassion.
You have a friend who frequently reaches out to vent, unloading their emotions without ever asking how you’re doing. You care about them, but lately, these one-sided conversations have left you feeling drained and unseen.
Old you might have just nodded, listened, and pushed your own feelings aside. But this time? You decide to handle it differently.
📌 B.R.I.D.G.E. in Action:
🔹 Breathe and Center – “Let me take a deep breath so I can calm myself down before I communicate”
🔹 Recognize Your Need – “I need space to share my own emotions and feel heard in this friendship”
🔹 Inform with ‘I’ Statements – "I really want to support you. But lately, I’ve been feeling drained, and I need for our conversations to be more balanced.”
🔹 Define the Limit/Request – "I’d love for us to check in on each other more equally. Could we make sure our conversations go both ways? Would you be willing to set a timer?"
🔹 Get Clear on Consequences – If they continue venting without checking in on you:
"I want to be here for you, but I also need space to share what’s going on with me. If our conversations stay one-sided, I may need to take a step back from this connection.”
🔹 Enforce with Consistency – If they can’t or won’t shift the behavior: “I will be taking a break from this friendship.”
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
I used to believe that setting boundaries would push people away. That saying no made me unlovable.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand: boundaries don’t create distance—they build bridges to trust. They strip away the guessing games and surface-level niceties, making room for real relationships that thrive on honesty rather than silent resentment or passive aggressive communication.
Authenticity is the foundation of true connection. When we honor our needs, we encourage others to do the same. And in that space of mutual respect, trust deepens, love strengthens, and humans thrive.
Conclusion: A No is Really Yes to Yourself
When I went to the retreat because I overrode my no, the cost wasn’t just my energy or patience; it was an undermining of my trust in my intuition. My body had offered me the truth, but I had silenced it. And in its place, resentment, exhaustion, and frustration took the driver’s seat.
Boundaries don’t separate us. They create space for truth. For presence. A clear no is an offering—of self-respect, honesty, and deeper connection. It allows us to be in relationships—not as performers, not as peacekeepers, but as whole, sovereign beings.
So the next time your body whispers a no, will you listen and say yes to yourself?
In a culture that worships yes, honoring your no is a radical act of self-trust.
That trust? It’s the building block of a fully authentic life.
Living unapologetically in your full authenticity? Some might call that a dangerous idea.
If you’re learning to say no—not from fear, but from truth—I offer transformational coaching and ritual work to help you build boundaries that honor your nervous system and your soul. Using my PAUSE method, we work somatically and spiritually to reconnect you with your body’s cues, clarify your limits, and speak your truth without guilt.
Love the honesty!
I am interested to work with you on boundaries. Do you support others in that?